I don’t have the best track record when it comes to staying in touch with the people in my life.  It is not for lack of caring and interest-I’ve never been able to figure out why that is about me although it bothers me and I try my best to be otherwise.  More often than not, as much as I try to get past this quirkiness I somehow always fall short.  It is one of those classic, “It’s me, not you” experiences.

If it is any consolation to those who are always waiting to hear from me I do the same thing with God.  We have our moments each day when we touch base but it also always seems that I am apologizing for not staying in better touch.  Makes we wonder sometimes if God herself wonders who I am when I say, “Here I am, Lord, it’s Angela”.  I did that a few weeks ago when I stopped in church for a few minutes and poured my heart out about something and I think I saw that statue of Jesus shake His head to jog his memory!

Maybe that is why I welcome the season of Lend in my life-it always seems to come around just when I need it most.  It’s that time of renewal for me when God and I ‘catch up’ and reminisce about our times together and look towards the future as best we can one day at a time.   But I also struggle with these 40 days that start out so ambitiously and energetically then start to drag part way in.  I did have a Lenten season  years ago that I still remember as being a time of such richness of healing and peace and connected-ness.  I am looking and hoping for that again because I don’t take for granted anymore that I have a huge lifetime of Lents in front of me ( thought another 30-40 would be nice).

I am going to keep it simple this year- simple is always best anyway- in the hope of being  delivered to the Easter Vigil as faithfully and honestly as I began.  My 3-fold plan is this:  1. Work with the Cynthia Bourgeault book on Centering Prayer, 2. Read ( and share) more deeply the poetry of Mary Oliver, 3. Carry with me everywhere my faithful camera which is my visual journal.

The journey begins, will you join me and be bread for each other?

“O Lord of melons, of mercy, though I am not ready, nor worthy, I am climbing toward You”

~Mary Oliver~

This season of Advent always sort of sneaks up on me more so than Lent does.  It just seems we are perhaps all conditioned to fly in a whirl from Halloween to Thanksgiving and slide into the first days of Advent.  I was born two days after the First Sunday of Advent in the year 🙂  It took me many years to appreciate the season of my birth especially since I am still not an overly patient person born in the season of expectation.

Though the Feast of Epiphany is weeks away those moments of manifestation open up to me never more so than during these days that lead us to Emmanual- God among us.  The thing about epiphanies is I never know when one is going to ‘appear’ or even if I will recognize it, pay attention to it and learn from it.  I’d like to think I am always open to the possibility but then again the tendency sometimes to dismiss the ordinary -ness of grocery shopping, or filling up the gas tank on the car, or doing laundry can come easily enough when what I am expecting is something far more dramatic ( but still safe).

Last Friday I was in Shop Rite picking up supplies for a baking marathon that hasn’t happened yet.  I pushed my cart from aisle to aisle, checking things off my list when I turned a corner and suddenly thought of Thomas Merton on the corner of 4th and Walnut.  I was flooded with images of all the people in my life who are no longer alive in this world and of Christmases past and how hard and happily everyone worked and pulled together to make Christmas ‘happen’ again so magically and profoundly.  I come from a family of immigrants who each year when I was a child gathered at my parents apartment for 36 hours of cooking and eating while the men played cards all night and the women and children snuggled into a few beds for a few hours of sleep.  I wish I had one of those days again.  Except for those of us who were young  and very young in those days most of those people are no longer with us.  My parents are long gone from this life and my husband’s parents went home to heaven earlier this year.

I finished my shopping in a daze of sorts as I took a long and loving look at all those others at Shop Rite and tried to see  them ( and  me) for who we were in that moment-some grieving, some tired, some counting every penny, visions of sugar plugs dancing in the heads of others, emotions of joy and gladness, peace hope, serenity, expectation-oh, the energies that were flying around were making me dizzy!  The divine in the midst of the human transcended the cold and even the coats, scarves and layer of sweaters could not hide the dazzle  of their beauty.  Isn’t that what Merton meant by what he saw and felt?  He wrote:

In Louisville, at the corner of 4th and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I was theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers.  It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world,  the world of renunciation  and supposed holiness…I have the immense joy of being a man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate.  As if the sorrows and stupidities of the human condition could overwhelm me, now I realize what we all are.  And if only everyone could realize that! But it cannot be explained.  There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun.”  (From Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander).

That’s my Advent epiphany  and these are my Advent photos  on the road to Brooklyn- that no matter who we are, where we are, who we may pretend to be, or want to be, that we get up each day-some days perhaps more hopeful than others- and do the best we can.  It is a season-less message that is eternal and incarnational, that reminds us that the Christ is born again each day when we are,  “walking around shining like the sun”.  Advent Blessings.

It has been a summer and season of very little inspiration for me – not for lack of beauty and endless possibilities.  A dryness of soul, perhaps.  A parched earth in me that mirrors the gardens outside my window that continue to fight valiantly for every green leaf and budding flower.

Books and journals and even my beloved camera sat a bit forlornly gathering a soft coating of dust as I walked by them each day.  They did not chide me, they waitedt for me – they knew this was a temporary season and maybe a place I needed to be for a little while.  I agree.  Perhaps more challenges lately that I thought would pass more quickly and easily- the very sore and aching back,  the small but worrisome illnesses of family and friends, the election cycle, the violence in the world, the unrelenting heat and humidity of the summer ( which I do not bear with any grace).  I longed for the cool days and cooler nights, the relief from the  back pain, the healings that we prayed for because I felt that those were the things that would hydrate my soul with a soft and gentle rain.  It’s not that I mind some dryness once in awhile, it has been more my friend than foe.  I know it always has something to teach me if I have the patience to keep my heart open because I know my roots are deep and the water is deep inside to sustain me.

I looked for encouragement  in the poetry I love but it was not until last week (coincidentally as the weather started to cool) when something came to me quite randomly ( although I don’t believe in random-ness) from the American poet Mary Oliver.  She wrote: “The most regretful people on earth are those who feel the call to creative work and gave it neither power nor time”.   I taped Mary’s quote to my fridge along with another affirmation I wrote about not letting pain define me and as I walked to the front door to let in some fresh air it started to rain and a new season began.  As I continue to stand in the refreshment of the rain and the cool and damp I share with you an excerpt from the poem by John O’Donohue entitled “At the end of the day:  A mirror of questions”

What dreams did I create last night?

Where did my eyes linger today?

What did I read?

What did I begin today that might endure?

Where could I have exposed myself to the risk of something different?

What reached me today?  How deep did it imprint?

From the evidence- why was I given this day?

You know how it is some days- you read a post on Facebook, something that resonates with you, perhaps you’ve read it before and you keep the gist of it in your heart, maybe you ‘share’ it on Facebook, maybe make a copy of it to save in a journal and you move on.  That happened to me the other day in three separate ways so I considered that the universe was hoping I would pay attention….again.

In this particular case it was multiple  reminders we’ve all probably seen about ‘living in the moment’, that ‘our life is waiting for us’, ‘don’t put off living by waiting for perfection’, stop waiting for the perfect moment’ and they all relate to things going on in our lives that we think will make a difference- I’ll wait til I lose those last 5 pounds,  I’ll wait til it’s a sunny day, it’s too hot/cold, etc.  On and on we rationalize and still the moments tick away and come back no more.

So a variation of the ‘waiting for the perfect moment’ was the post I read on Facebook first thing that day.  “Fair enough”, I thought, I can relate very deeply to that.  Then a few hours later while looking for something in my wallet out dropped a newspaper clipping I have carried around for probably more than 15 years.  I know it’s in there but I rarely open it anymore to read it because I know the story by heart.  It is a Dear Abbey letter that a gentleman wrote about his own ‘waiting for the perfect moment’ as he relates how for many years he and his wife promised themselves they were going to take a trip to Tahiti-after the kids left home, after the mortgage was paid, after he retired, etc.  When finally the coast looked clear enough to start actively planning their trip his wife was diagnosed with a very aggressive and terminal disease and she died before they could get to Tahiti.  His letter was full of regret for thinking there was all the time in the world to do what they wanted to do and he wanted to caution others that sometimes there is no ‘perfect moment’, that all we have is the moment in front of us which more often than not is perfect enough.  He closed by noting that the kids could have stayed with family, that the mortgage was not in danger of being late, that he had plenty vacation time….Sigh…

For many of us these “perfect moments” are perhaps less about a trip or about having enough resources to do what we’d like but about thinking that the kingdom of God is somewhere out there and not here with us now in the ordinary moments of our lives so we sort of miss the forest for the trees, as the saying goes.  Scripture says, “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard what God has ready for those who love Him’.  I believe that a foretaste of that kingdom God promises is here in the arms of those we love, in the sounds of birds, and wind and the rustling of trees and the sound of waves breaking on the shore, laughing with our family and friends and that we are meant to enjoy them now and not brush them off as not a gift from God.

As  the day was winding down earlier this week I read Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s reflection for August 22 in which he writes: “…But to put it plainly, for a man in his wife’s arms to be hankering after the other world is, in mild terms, a piece of bad taste, and not God’s will”.  WOW! 

He goes on to write, “God will see to it that those who find the Divine in earthly happiness and thank God for it do not lack reminder that earthly things are transient, that it is good for them to attune their hearts to what is eternal, and that sooner or later there will be times when they can say in all sincerity, ‘I wish I was home’.  But everything has its time and the main thing is that we keep step with God and do not keep pressing on a few steps ahead- nor keep dawdling a step behind’.”

I have a friend named Pat who lives in Pittsburgh and is a first-class artist.  We actually only met a few times over the course of a few days when we were in London with our husbands who were there taking a legal deposition.  We had dinner a few times and she and I immediately connected on so many levels.  Pat has recently and successfully completed treatment for breast cancer- she is a hero to me and although we now mostly stay in touch via Facebook the connection we felt those days in London is  still there.  Earlier today, in preparation of some pieces she is working on she asked those of us of Facebook for, “…words that inspire, comfort and uplift…and which words would we choose?”.

The choices are as varied as the lives we all live and the circumstances that we face each day.  They all resonated with me and I could probably choose any one of them at any given  time during a particular minute, hour, day, week.  These are  the words that were shared, which ones call to you and what would you add to the list?

“Be~ Perspective~ Courage~

Hope~Faith~ Peace~ Believe~

Perseverence~ Grateful~ Unrelenting~

Spirit~Wisdom~Grace~

Patience~Bliss~Breathe~

Power~Strength~Gratitude~ “Be Still”

Of course, for every positive and affirming and nurturing word there are those others that call to us and try to pull us into the darkness- words like “hate, anger, despair, doubt, envy, grief, greed, etc.  I am guilty of sometimes wanting to hold onto those hurt feelings and have myself a little ‘pity party’.

I believe that in and of themselves those  thoughts have the power to transform us and turn us back to the light- they are feelings and reactions that we have as humans to situations and events in our lives and in our world but first I think we have to honor them and give witness to what happened to cause us to feel as we do. It is then that we have the choice to stay as we are and fester in the negative energy or  match them as best we can with the words that Pat asked us to share.

All the beautiful plants and trees in bloom and so much potential to be out there with my camera taking it all in, but the recent heat and humidity are in direct correlation with my almost complete lack of desire and motivation to do much more than sit in the cool of an air-conditioned room with a good book or movie.  I did manage, a few weeks ago, to be near the Whitney Museum in lower Manhattan on a day that was, by my standards, a perfect summer day and did a little ‘street photography’ which I have come to enjoy doing.

It takes a little courage to do ‘street photography’, as I am learning, especially when one is not using a zoom lens that allows one to be far enough from the subjects to not be noticed. In the case of these few photos I only had with me my ‘nifty 50″ lens- a prime lens that does not zoom in and out but instead relies on the photographer to be the ‘zoom’ and use one’s legs and feet to get closer.  I was too lazy that day to get up from my seat but I still hope I captured a little of what Merton saw standing in the midst of human activity. The appeal of seeing life happen, hopefully seeing love happen in the smallest of details, of people being connected and, as he writes: “exercises all the deepest capacities of our nature”.  Just maybe, in the middle of all the unrest and fear and tragedy and hate that surrounds us now on an almost daily basis, it’s good to sit back on a lazy summer day and watch the world go by as each of us tries in our own small but significant ways to be for ourselves and others islands of love and peace.

While I was snapping away I was thinking of some of the things I’ve read in Thomas Merton’s book, Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander.  May be the lazy way out for me  is to rely on Thomas Merton to express how I feel but what are hot summer days for if not to be lazy?

He writes:

“…First of all, the Law of Love is the deepest law of  our nature, not something extraneous and alien to our nature.  Our nature inclines us to love, and to love freely.

The deepest and most fundamental exigency of the divine law in our hearts is that we should reach our fulfillment by loving.  It is not enough for us to possess human nature, we have to act as humans, we have to exercise all the deepest capacities of our nature…

The demands of the Law of Love are progressive.  We begin by loving life itself, by loving survival at any price.  Hence, we must first of all love ourselves.  But as we grow we must love others.  We must love them as our own fulfillment.  Then we must come to love them in order to fulfill them, to develop their capacity to love, and finally we must love others and ourselves in and for God.”

“Finally will it not be enough,
after much living, after
much dying

of those you have loved,
to sit on the porch near sundown
with your eyes simply open,
watching the wind shape the clouds

into the shape of clouds?

Even then you will remember

the history of love, shaped
in the shapes of flesh, everchanging
as the clouds that pass,  the blessed
yearning of body for body,
unending light.
You will remember, watching
the clouds, the future of love.”

~Wendell Berry~

“Summertime and the living is easy”, goes the popular phrase and indeed it is for a multitude of reasons- days are longer, life takes on a bit of a slower pace as everyone tries to accommodate their bodies to the heat and humidity, invitations to cook-outs and days at the beach fill out schedule, even a stay-cation is a welcome respite.  Getting in a walk in the early morning or late evening hours and being outside feels so good-unchained from the cool but artificial air of air-conditioning.    Even those ( like me) who have little tolerance for being outside on a hot day cannot deny the pleasure of sitting in a comfortable rocking chair at the end of the day or under the shade of an umbrella or tree  either by ourselves or with a friend or two to reminisce.  It is one of the most simplest gifts of life. 

I waited all week for this Thursday to come because I thought I could finally get to where I wanted to be today- my camera and me- but the drizzle had other plans for my plans.  Instead I found that little bit of heaven I yearned for today right in my own garden.  That’s the problem and the solution with plans, isn’t it?  What I thought I wanted to do did not work out but the alternative was just as good and it happened because I kept my mind and heart open.  No, I did not get to where I wanted to be but I stayed in a place that fed my soul.

“This is what should be done by anyone who is skilled in goodness.  And who knows the path of peace:  Let them be able and upright, straightforward and gentle in speech.  Humble and not conceited, contented and easily satisfied.  Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.  Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful, not proud and demanding in nature.  Let them not do the slightest thing that the wise would later reprove.”

~The Buddha’s Words on Kindness~

“I have been thinking of the difference between water and the waves on it.  Rising, water’s still water, falling back, it is water, will you give me a hint how to tell them apart?
Because someone has made up the word “wave” do I have to distinguish it from water?
There is a Secret One inside us;  the planets in all the galaxies pass through his hands like beads.
That is the string of beads one should look at with luminous eyes.”

~KABIR~

“Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.  If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life.”

Wu-Men